Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship. While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do. At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective. When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there. And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt. Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work. Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship: 1. I Was Always StressedLike the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time. It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled. Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it. Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future. It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer. Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt. When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves. 2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically IntimateI am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description. It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob. Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well. Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels. After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close. So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry. I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did. 3. I Lost Touch With My FriendsThat first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition. During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs. I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble. I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy. If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end. 4. He Wouldnt Give Me SpaceNow that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person. Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear. When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted. My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving. If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it. But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything. 5. He Projected His Failures On MeEven as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me. I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day! See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller? That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down. One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on. Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know. Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt. Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship. Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too. 6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted LessI can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give. I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends. Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak. As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether. Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right. As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me. My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in. Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem. Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time. Because first, I had to find myself. from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/
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When you booze it up too heavy you risk high blood pressure (hypertension), which can lead to a stroke or heart attack. Not to mention heavy alcohol consumption packs on a ton of extra calories. With 200 calories in a pint of beer and about 230 calories in 100 grams of vodka, that can add up very quickly, translating into bloat and major weight gain. When someone gives up heavy drinking, the transformation can turn out absolutely stunning. Weve all seen before and after pics of people who diet, but what about people who give up alcohol? Turns out those are equally impressive and its not only weight loss you notice, but a much younger looking appearance. Their skin is much better, almost glowing in comparison to the before pics. Check these impressive before and after drinking pics out! Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/27/10-before-and-after-pics-show-what-happens-when-you-stop-drinking/ from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/27/10-before-and-after-pics-show-what-happens-when-you-stop-drinking/ Nothing says classic Super Bowl Sunday like an ice-cold beer. But the ol Bud Light can get a bit monotonous after the third or fourth or fifth beer. So, we figured we would help take your Super Bowl party to the next level with a list of five boozy beer cocktails. Trust us, your beer is about to get a major upgrade. These cocktails take seconds to make, and youll look like a badass host for turning a plain pale ale into a delicious beermosa. The best part is you probably have everything you need already in your fridge, which is a major win. Plus, these recipes are easily doubled or tripled, so you can make a big batch for all your guests. Seriously, who said beer had to be boring? Now, go out, grab a six pack and get to drinking! Beergarita 1 bottle of Pacifico or Corona Beer Beermosa cup fresh orange juice Beer Sangria 2 ounces brewed coffee Iced Irish Coffee 1 teaspoon sugar Lemon Shandy 1 tablespoon raspberries Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/26/5-beer-cocktails-youll-actually-want-to-drink-on-super-bowl-sunday/ from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/5-beer-cocktails-youll-actually-want-to-drink-on-super-bowl-sunday/ Germany, the land of beer gardens, schnitzel and sausages has declared the vegan diets as not healthy and lacking in nutrition. Commercially farmed foods, animal cruelty and a basic quest to be healthy have converted millions of carnivores– and a slew of celebs-– worldwide to join the vegan movement. The plant based diet has skyrocketed in Europe with Germanys capital leading the way. Berlins booming restaurant scene now has dozens of vegan restaurants and was recently named as one of the world’s hottest vegan dining destinations by the Vegetarian Times. But not everyone in Germany wants to dine on a tofu schnitzel. The German Nutrition Society (DGA), a non-profit research institution, has taken a firm stand against the plant based diet in recently published study that declares veganism will not provide the body with proper nutrition it needs to be healthy. The study goes on to explain that the most critical nutrient is vitamin B12 which is found naturally in animal products and is lacking in the diet. The risk of an inadequate supply of nutrients or of nutritional deficiency progressively increases as the selection of foods becomes more restrictive and the diet becomes less varied. The study also reports the diet creates deficiencies in the body such as vitamin D, calcium, iron and zinc. But some have taken issue with the organization’s stance on how veganism may affect pregnant women and kids. Says the report, “The DGE does not recommend a vegan diet for pregnant women, lactating women, infants, children or adolescents. As a birth doula, Ive had pregnant clients work with their doctor and nutritionist to follow a plant based diet which they had switched to before their pregnancies and its fine for pregnant women to be vegan, Kanan Kapila, a birthing and Ayurvedic specialist told FoxNews.com. I also never ate meat throughout both of my pregnancies and both my children are very healthy– but of course they are also vegetarians. Not all nutritional societies around the world agree with the German study including the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics which takes the position that veganism can be an acceptable diet for people of any age. Their study, which was originally published in 2009 and now includes research from last year, states, An appropriately planned vegan diet that includes dietary supplements and fortified foods is nutritionally adequate and is appropriate for individuals during all stages of the lifecycle, including pregnant and lactating women. The German study is very controversial, there is plenty of evidence that vegan children have a lower risk of health issues later in life, says Sharon Palmer, a registered dietician and author of the book, “Plant Powered for Life.” Even omnivores find the DGE study findings questionable. New Jersey-based pediatrician Dr. David Schaumberger told FoxNews.com that, with a little extra attention on the part of parents, children can thrive on a plant centric diet. Since many junk foods are vegan, says the doctor, kids and adults need to stick to nutritious foods and will likely need vitamin supplements. With supplements and fortified foods its possible for vegan children to live a healthy life, it just requires more attention to detail and the children should be regularly seen by a pediatrician. Carey Reilly is a lifestyle blogger, TV host, comedian and lover of cocktails. She is the editor of www.notsoskinnymom.com. Follow her on Twitter @careycomic and Instagram @careyreilly. from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/dont-ban-the-bratwurst-german-nutritionists-declare-veganism-unhealthy/ Barnes & Noble Inc. has a plan to enliven the slumping bookstore chain: adding restaurants that serve beer and wine. On Thursday, the company appointed Chief Operating Officer Jaime Carey to the head of a newly created restaurant group, and discussed plans to open four new concept stores with eateries attached. The idea is to build on Barnes & Nobles push into other non-book areas, such as the sale of toys, gifts and vinyl records. Facing mounting competition from Amazon.com Inc., Barnes & Noble is seeking more creative ways to get customers in the door. The restaurant plan is part of a broader shift among brick-and-mortar retailers toward offering experiences, rather than just physical goods. Jaimes promotion underscores the importance of having a leader devoted to our new store concepts with a focus on an enhanced restaurant experience, Chief Executive Officer Ron Boire said in a statement. Barnes & Noble also said that same-store sales will probably range from flat to up 1 percent this fiscal year, and losses from its Nook e-reader business are shrinking. The company expects the division to post a loss of $10 million by fiscal 2018, compared with $98.6 million last year. The outlook was cheered by investors, who sent the shares up 7.9 percent to $11.26 in New York. The stock is now up 29 percent this year. Boire, a former Sears executive who took the helm at Barnes & Noble last year, also named Michael Ladd to the role of vice president of stores. Ladd was previously a senior vice president in charge of stores at Sears. The four new concept stores will open in Eastchester, New York; Edina, Minnesota; Folsom, California; and Loudon, Virginia. Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/26/barnes-nobles-new-comeback-plan-alcohol-serving-restaurants/ from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/barnes-nobles-new-comeback-plan-alcohol-serving-restaurants/ Shortages prompt islands main brewer to consider opening a new plant and importing beer from outside the country to keep pace with growing demand The ubiquitous fridges that dispense beer in Cubas bars, cafes and petrol stations are running out of the islands favourite Cristal and Bucanero brands as a surge in American tourists and the proliferation of new private watering holes put the nations main brewery under strain. Brewer Bucanero needs a new plant to keep pace with demand from tourists and a burgeoning private restaurant sector that competes with state-run outlets for supplies, Mayle Gonzalez, a sales executive at the company, said on Saturday.. Bucanero, a joint venture between the Cuban government and Belgiums Anheuser Busch InBev, also makes the Communist-led countrys most widely consumed brew, Cristal. Local media reported that Cubas breweries signed contracts this week for more than 33m cases of beer at a business in Havana, considerably more than their current production capability will allow. Bucanero is reportedly planning to import 3m cases of beer from Dominica to keep up with demand. After US president Barack Obama eased travel restrictions to Cuba in February, American tourists have started descending on Cuba in significant numbers, a trend that is expected to continue. Hundreds will step off a cruise ship from Miami into the city in May, the first such voyage since the US embargo that followed Fidel Castros 1959 revolution. While the embargo remains in place, ordinary Cubans have warmed to their Yanqui visitors, especially after Obamas visit to Cuba in March, the first by a sitting US president in 88 years. Cuba received a record 3.5 million visitors last year, up 17% from 2014. American visitors rose 77% to 161,000, in addition to hundreds of thousands of Cuban-Americans, testing the countrys supply of hotel room, rental cars and beer. The most recent tourism figures, for January, showed a similar pace of growth. Small restaurants that cater to both tourists and Cubans have blossomed on the Caribbean island since president Raul Castro five years ago formalised changes designed to remove the Communist state from many small-scale economic activities. Private bars can go out and find supplies where they can, I can only sell what the government gives me, said the manager of a state-run bar that ran out of beer, while a private bar upstairs had a fridge full of cold bottles. Reuters contributed to this report Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/26/cuba-running-low-on-beer-as-thirsty-us-tourists-descend/ from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/cuba-running-low-on-beer-as-thirsty-us-tourists-descend/ One of the most famous military campaigns of all time is the crossing of the Alps by Hannibal more than 2,200 years ago. The bold Carthaginian general led infantry, cavalry, and 37 elephants across the Italian mountains to face off againstthe Romans. And now, thanks to science, we know which way he chose to cross. An international team of researchers has discovered a mass animal deposit located near the Colde laTraversette, a pass about 3,000 meters (9,840feet) above the sea level. The scientists were able to date the deposit to 218 BCE thanks to an environmental analysis of the soil. The team has studied this area since 2011 as a potential place where the Carthaginian army might have rested. The area is rich in vegetation that could have been used for the horses and mules, and it is one of the several possible routes the general might have taken. Deep in the ground, the researchers found that there was a mixture of plant fibers, mud, and finergrained soil. The findings, reported in the journal Archaeometry, suggest that the soilhad been significantly disturbed and then it was compacted. No other alpine bog has such a soil, and this cannot be explained by grazing cattle or weather phenomena. “The deposition lies within a churned-up mass from a 1-meter [3.3-feet] thick alluvial mire, produced by the constant movement of thousands of animals and humans,Dr. Chris Allen from Queen’s University Belfastsaid in astatement. Over 70 percent of the microbes in horse manure are from a group known as the Clostridia, that are very stable in soil surviving for thousands of years. We found scientifically significant evidence of these same bugs in a genetic microbial signature precisely dating to the time of the Punic invasion. Hannibals descent into Italy was one of the major events of theSecond Punic War, which was eventually won by the Romans in 201 BCE. The route through Col de la Traversette (a simple map is available on The Telegraph)was first proposedby Sir Gavin de Beer in 1974, but had not previously been widely accepted by the academic community due to a lack of concrete evidence. from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/25/we-now-know-where-hannibal-crossed-the-alps-thanks-to-his-armys-poop/ Acclaimed filmmaker Park Chan-wook (‘Oldboy’) opens up about his upcoming film over beers with Jen Yamato in Austin, Texas. “> Halfway through his first trip to Texas, Korean auteur Park Chan-wook found himself on a tour of a picturesque religious compound notorious for the sex crimes of a cult-like spiritual leader. Five years ago, its once-venerated guru Prakashanand Saraswati fled the country, escaping a trial that saw him sentencedin absentiato over two centuries in prison. On a hot Texas afternoon in September, the director ofOldboystrolled the grounds with his Leica taking in the palatial white granite architecture. Park was taken by the sights and the lurid true tale, soaking in the experience as he seems to all his travels. The director and avid photographer had come to Austin to screen his Cannes hitThe Handmaidenat Fantastic Fest following its Toronto premiere. Hed tasted Texas BBQ. Hed shopped for trinkets along South Congress Ave. When we met to discuss his period lesbian love-thriller over fine Texan beers this week, he was still marveling at the beauty and hidden perversity forever tied to the Barsana Dham. It reminded me a little of Uncle Kouzuki inThe Handmaiden, he joked of one of the many deliciously complex characters in his new film, speaking through his traveling companion and translator, Wonjo Jeong. Im a photographer. I thought going to a place like this Id be able to capture some absurd images on my camera. The power that religion has over people, how it draws people in, is always amazing. Park, arguably Koreas most famed and celebrated filmmaker, made his directorial debut in 1992 and scored his first huge hit in 2000 with the record-breakingJ.S.A.: Joint Security Area, a military thriller about a mysterious murder between soldiers from North and South Korea. In 2003 he released his intoxicatingly elegiac revenge thrillerOldboyand became forever synonymous with its brand of hyperviolent, perverse brutality. But there are stratums to Parks films, even as they tend toward the extremes of genre, from the two other films that round out hisVengeance Trilogyto his vampire taleThirstto 2013sStoker, the gothic potboiler that marked his English-language Hollywood debut. Consider: When he describes to me the walrus carved from walrus tusk hed just bought at one of Austins eclectic thrift stores, the conversation winds its way to a documentary hed enjoyed, also on the subject of discovering extraordinary objects in the most unexpected places. It was a documentary calledFinding Vivian Maier, Park recalled. She worked as a nanny to children and at one estate sale one young man bought a lot of her films, and thats how this photographer Vivian Maier came to light. It provided lots of inspiration forCarol, starring Rooney Mara. from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/25/inside-the-handmaiden-a-lesbian-erotic-thriller-and-the-sexiest-film-of-the-year/
Hyun Soo Kim’s Tuesday night included an 0-for-4 performance at the plate and a season-ending loss for his Orioles in Toronto. To make things even worse for Kim, a Toronto Blue Jays fan fired a full beer can at the outfielder during the seventh inning. Kim who was fielding a fly ball, essentially defenseless made the catch, and the can barely missed him. “That is about as pathetic as it gets. You don’t do that. Yell, cuss or scream,” Orioles center fielder Adam Jones said. “I hope they find the guy and press charges … that’s not a part of baseball. Throw an octopus, throw hats.” According to a Blue Jays spokesperson, the fan left before police had a chance to identify and eject him. Police are still investigating the incident. “We’re co-operating with the authorities to identify the individual involved, and the individual responsible is not welcome back to the stadium,” the Blue Jays said in a statement released Thursday. “We will also enact heightened security measures and alcohol policies that will ensure the fan experience and safety of everybody involved.” This isn’t the first time Blue Jays fans got a little rowdy. In Game 5 of last year’s American League Division Series against the Texas Rangers, Toronto fans didn’t appreciate an umpire’s call that gave Texas a 3-2 lead. They proceeded to toss everything from beer to water bottles on the field. Coincidentally (or not), the Blue Jays will meet the Rangers again in this year’s divisional series. Toronto’s Tuesday night walk-off win punched its ticket to Texas. That series begins Thursday, and returns Sunday to Toronto, where Rangers outfielders might want to watch out for flying beer cans. The Associated Press contributed to this report. from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/25/not-even-a-flying-beer-can-could-stop-an-orioles-outfielder-from-making-this-catch/ I’ve worked in the home improvement industry for over a decade, and as a result of that, I will never own my own house. I know people who seem to manage it just fine, and some who even thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe you’re one of them and are laughing at me right now. It’s just that there are so many abject terrors a house of your own can casually cast on you. I’ve seen too many folks left with their asses hanging in the breeze. So whether you’re planning to build a house or scoff at the very idea, at least do yourself a favor and read this. You won’t be sorry. (You will be sorry.) #5. Poop Lurks Around Every CornerOne of the worst nights of my entire life can be handily summed up by the first minute or so of this scene from Dogma: Yes, it’s the shit demon scene, and yes, it’s a damn documentary. There I was, blissfully enjoying the fact that I was not currently covered in human shit, when suddenly I heard a gurgle from the bathroom. Confident that it was just another gremlin infestation, I sighed, got up, and went to give them a karate or two. What I found instead was poop. So very much poop, coming out from all the available orifices the bathroom had to offer. This was noticeably less sexy than it sounds. There are good moves and bad moves in this situation. The good move: whimper a bit and call an expert. The bad move: panic, flush. Have you ever seen a poop geyser? I have. It was thankfully less spraying and more bubbly than you’d expect, but still far below what an average person would consider glorious. By the time I was done containing the spillage from the fine raw sewage backup I had just experienced, I was literally scooping shit in tiny cardboard party cups because they were the only barrier I had between liquefied feces and my hands. Note: There is no amount of gloves in the world that can make that job any more pleasant. Hot chocolate, anyone? Two deservedly sarcastic plumbers, some extremely spirited cleaning, and several very, very careful showers later, things were finally more or less back to normal. My only positive memories of the event are the several, for once not hyperbolic “I can’t make it tonight, got caught up in a shit storm” messages I got to send out. That specific incident made me realize that poop is everywhere. Poop is running under our streets, poop is under the floor, and poop is in the walls, in the ceiling, and in the sea. We used poop to build the world, then shoved it unceremoniously out of sight like the unwelcome neighbor it admittedly is. And like that same creepy neighbor, it’s just biding its time to pop up to say hi and hang out in our house for a while. There are many reasons Poop Napoleon could suddenly descend on your shit hole like it was Austerlitz. Clogging from sanitary products and too-many-ply toilet paper. Tree roots that decided to tear through your main sewer line. Floods. Construction errors happen: I’ve seen sewer lines that do their level best to climb uphill and thus start barfing finely aged terror farts (and sometimes more) at you during wet seasons. Maybe you bought a house that was built before the 1980s and your sewer lines are made from bullshit 19th-century wood pulp piping known as Orangeburg pipes. Really? Orange? That’s the color springing to mind here? Still, as unnoticeable as most of these issues are until it’s too late, when they do happen, taking care of it is as simple as calling your landlord and saying, “Your house just exploded in a geyser of shit.” But if you own that house, you are now stuck with the choice of paying several thousand dollars to fix it or wading through a literal sewer in blind hope that it’s something you can take care of on your own (Hint: You cannot). #4. Older Houses Feel Haunted For A ReasonYou’re sleeping in the house you own as the lord/lady of your domain, with no worries in the world save for the crushing mortgage, when suddenly the loudest noise you’ve ever heard jerks you back to the waking land. After calming down, you put it down to a sleep jerk or whatever and slowly start drifting back to sle- BOOM!!! OhGodohGodohGod! What in the everfucking shit was that? It’s like someone literally dropped a wrecking ball on your house. And then it happens again. And again. As you sprint to what you insist is your panic room but is really just a pillow fort in the corner of the study, you fully expect WWIII to have kicked into full gear and brace yourself for the inevitable invasion of space Nazis. “Don’t be silly. We’re not due until 2018.” Sorry, no extraterrestrial fascists for you tonight! That shit was just a frost quake — a wacky phenomenon where cold weather contracts your house’s building materials, causing them to groan and bang and turns the whole place into an audio bomb. Did the seller forget to mention this? Don’t worry! It’s totally harmless. Usually. If your house is well-built. Which it totally is, right? Right? Frost quakes are just one of the many bullshit things you can encounter during your house-owning endeavor that there’s no real way to brace yourself for. According to a friend of mine who used to work as a building inspector — we’ll call him Frank Buildinginspector — there are so many ways to encounter insane bullshit, the world would run out of trees if all of those ways were put on paper. Did the previous owner have at least two males in the family? You can rest assured there is some extremely localized water damage in the bathroom. Or maybe the piping (including sewer lines, because, like I said, poop lurks everywhere) has been constructed in such an asshat way that it’s borderline impossible to inspect or maintain, leading to situations such as the one Frank names as the worst in his career: extremely elderly sewer pipes, directly attached to the ground floor and long since burst because of fucking course, managed to render both the ground floor and the soil underneath into hazardous waste. The owner of the house only thought to inspect the situation because of a “kinda funny smell.” “Also, is it a little warm in here?” And then we have the outright horror-movie scenarios that Cracked has already told you about, like the mold in old houses that can make you see ghosts and malfunctioning fans that can … also make you see ghosts. In fact, you know what? Just outright embrace all that shit. Even if there’s no way you could peacefully live there, I’m betting if you combined the ghost stuff with the frost quakes and strange smells, you’d make a killing by turning the place into a haunted house. #3. Poison Is Potentially EverywhereI realize I’m running the risk of sounding less like a fun, harmless-when-not-too-drunk-and-at-dropkick-distance Internet columnist and more like a screeching fearmonger, but poisonous houses are totally a thing, and I think we can all agree that it’s better you hear it from me than a reliable, certified expert, because hard facts are easier to swallow when laced with liberal dick jokes. Hehehe. “Hard.” “Swallow.” “Dick.” See? If you’ve ever even glanced at a house with a twinkling intention to throw money at it, you’ve probably heard about radon, an odorless, colorless, and fucking radioactive gas that lurks in soil and may seep in through any ol’ crack or seam. Smoking aside, it’s the biggest culprit for lung cancer we know about (we’re talking 20,000 lung cancer deaths per year), it can’t be detected without a special test, and an estimated one in 15 houses have radon leakages in the U.S. alone. Are you feeling lucky, punk? “Sure. They threw in this suit; have you any idea how much these things cost?” Luckily, even if you wind up buying a house without insisting on the test, the issue is fairly simple to fix with radon removal systems (if you notice it, that is). That fixes a minuscule damn fraction of your poisonin’ issues. There’s still carbon monoxide (400 deaths and up to 20,000 ER visits per year), potentially poisoning you from leaky heating systems and blocked vents. Does your house still have all the original surface materials, you hipster, you? Fuck — you might be looking at a lungful of hazardous lead paint, or fiberglass insulation, or plain old asbestos, or formaldehyde, or random pollutants from carpeting. Or mold. Or that goddamned ghost mold I mentioned earlier, why the hell not? “I’m made up of the souls of the previous homeowners.” I’m not trying to paint a picture of every house as a poison-filled death trap that is just waiting to take your money and your life. I’m not here to fearmonger — tons of people live in their own houses and are so happy they joyfully cry tears made out of Skittles. Still, I feel it’s worth pointing out all the weird bullshit that might bite you in the ass somewhere down the line if you don’t do the shit out of your homework before signing on the dotted line. Besides, if I wanted to really monger fear, I wouldn’t be talking about pesky bullshit like poison seeping through the walls. I’d be talking about stuff like … #2. Your Neighbors Are CrazyI went into this column with the assumption that I’d be writing exclusively about how even the most dream-fulfilling, expensive house can turn into a shit soup at a moment’s notice, sometimes literally. However, the more I talked with house owners, the more a certain trend presented itself: In the house-ownin’ world, hell is not the occasional renovation. It’s other people. I’ve heard many stories detailing the horrors of owning a house and being surrounded by the wrong kind of people, but for the purposes of this entry, we’ll focus on the one that best embodies them all. Consider the story of a friend of mine, whom we shall call Diana Womanhead. A few years ago, a relationship that for obvious reasons would not last (we’ll get to that in a minute) took her from the life of a big-city apartment-dweller to that of a small-town house owner. “So, do I have to provide my own banjo, or are they complimentary?” The first shock was the neighbors. You’d assume that having a house of your own would provide you with some sense of privacy and security. Not so: Almost immediately, neighbors started borderline forcefully introducing themselves, ambling to the house despite locked gates and cracking open a beer on their front porch. Sometimes, they had a six-pack. Other neighbors liberally used their yard as a toilet for their dog and occasionally screamed at them for “making too much noise.” Sometimes, they had an ax. While Diana was somewhat concerned by this, her guy was cool with literally anyone tumbling in. This included his many friends, who abused the situation by turning up unannounced for a barbecue, emptying the fridge, and occasionally sneaking into their guesthouse to pass out after a boozy Saturday night. “The pillow mints were the perfect refresher after vomiting on the front lawn. Five stars.” And then it turned out that the guy barely had enough money to deal with the house, let alone any interest to keep it in any kind of shape. He just happened to come from a culture where it is customary to own one, so he had to have one. Still, at least Diana managed to get out without too much undue hassle. But remember Frank Buildinginspector from earlier? A friend of his bought a house with her significant other, only to be cock-slapped with a limp pecker of divorce. One day, when she was out, her soon-to-be ex-husband chose to torch the place, because fuck you. Too bad the dude was still one of the owners, so although he was caught for arson, the lady isn’t going to receive a dime for insurance. #1. And Chances Are You’re Crazy TooI am a terrible neighbor. I’m a long-haired, bearded man with serious resting bitch face syndrome who dresses almost exclusively in black and is generally too reserved and/or preoccupied with whatever deadline I’m wrestling to even say hi to my neighbors. I’m positive at least one of them thinks I’m a serial killer, thanks to a freak accident where my leg went to sleep when I was chopping onions in an awkward position, and I spent a good while limping around the place while still holding the knife and making nasty faces thanks to the onions getting to my eyes — only to see a horrified older woman stare at me through the window. The clown makeup probably didn’t help my case. But, again, I’m a humble tenant. The second the whole neighborhood inevitably grabs their pitchforks and torches to chase me back to the abyss where I belong, I can just piss off and start my reign of terror somewhere anew. No such luck when you’re financially tied to the area — if you’re the shitty neighbor, congratulations! You’re married to the house until the whole town gets tired of you and straight-up murders your ass. “But Pauli,” you say. “Just because you’d be a pathetic, black-hearted excuse of a house owner and, for that matter, human being, it doesn’t make every potential house owner a dickhead.” That’s true, it doesn’t automatically turn you into one — only potentially. Like The Shining but for assholes. It’s so, so very easy to get caught up in neighbor shenanigans to the extent that you’re elbow-deep in petty dickery yourself. Sometimes, all it takes is one asshole and a situation where you both own your houses and are thus unable or unwilling to move away. Take the story of yet another one of my friends, whom we’ll call Andy Mandude. For years and years, his family was tormented by a total asshole of a neighbor who kept stoning their dogs, deliberately blocking their car on the narrow road they shared, physically picking fights, and generally acting like a five-star asshat, usually running back to the safety of his own property at the slightest chance of getting a comeuppance. Over the years, the situation escalated into a terrifying real-life version of the many imaginary battles between Donald Duck and Neighbor Jones, including (but not limited to) antics such as: – a full-hearted attempt to chainsaw down a flagpole Even Biggie and Tupac kept their beef human-side. – a reluctant, ongoing truce that Andy fully acknowledges can and likely eventually will break right back into horror shenanigans. And that’s hardly an isolated case. Google “neighbor arguments” and you’ll find thousands and thousands of assholes you’d gladly pick a fight with if you found yourself living next door to them, or just read some of the best ones right here. Who’s the asshole in those fights? Ask both parties, and they’ll point the finger at each other. Which means that if you’re in even a mild, petty neighborhood argument, you are automatically an asshole. Even if you are in the right. Eventually, you’ll get tired of it and decide, “Fuck every last second of this. Owning this house isn’t worth an ulcer or a heart attack.” Or you’ll get old and realize you have too much space to take care of … or you’ll have a family and realize you need more space. So you’ll sell your home and buy another one. And the person who buys your house will inherit all of the old fuckery you had to deal with. They’ll complain about your half-assed repairs and their new psychotic, dog-shooting neighbor. They’ll bad luck their way into an exploding sewer pipe and blame you for being negligent. Meanwhile, you’ll be doing the same thing at your new house. And that, friends, is the Circle of Homeowner Life. Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/24/5-insane-true-stories-of-buying-the-house-from-hell/ from https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/24/5-insane-true-stories-of-buying-the-house-from-hell/ |
AuthorHi my name is Samantha Roberts I am 23 years old and I just graduated with my BSN degree I love to enjoy going out with friends on my spare time and enjoying the Bachelor life. Archives
April 2019
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