Jack Bauer Killed 309 People In Nine-ish Days
The crowd was smaller, and there was no bald eagle swooping down to the field this time, but 15 years after its professional debut, the US womens league is going to places its never been before
14 April 2001. A crowd of 34,148 sees the first professional womens soccer league game in the United States. Tennis legend Billie Jean King does the coin toss. A skydiver brings the game ball into Washingtons RFK Stadium. Singer/actress Joy Enriquez sings the national anthem, punctuated by another appearance from the skies a bald eagle, who swoops down to the field with a piercing cry.
16 April 2016. No eagle. The national anthem is a stock recording. The crowd stands at 3,578, barely 10% of the total from 15 years ago. RFK Stadium is busy with a DC United game that probably siphoned a few hundred people off that attendance count. Were at the low-key Maryland SoccerPlex, fighting for parking spaces with hordes of youth soccer and basketball parents playing on the courts and fields nearby.
And yet, among the players, coaches and fans at the Washington Spirits opener against the Boston Breakers, optimism reigns.
When the Spirit and Breakers kicked off, professional womens soccer reached a new milestone the fourth consecutive year of a leagues existence. The WUSA, which kicked off in 2001 with such fanfare, went out of business after three seasons. So did WPS, which scaled back expectations but still couldnt turn the corner after three years. With its kickoff Saturday night, the NWSL set a new longevity record.
Womens soccer at the SoccerPlex is not a curiosity. Its familiar. When the WUSA collapsed, the Washington Freedom kept an organization intact and moved out to the exurban facility to play exhibitions and amateur games until the next pro league formed. When the Freedom moved away in 2010, DC United Women moved in, Its drawing youth teams that sit on team benches for warmups, and its drawing adults who cheer in supporters groups or hang out in the beer garden behind one goal.
And thats progress in the eyes of people like Jim Gabarra, the only head coach the Freedom had in any incarnation and now, after a few years away with New Jersey team Sky Blue, the Spirits new coach.
Its great because its another chapter, Gabarra said at a media day the week before the opening game. Were going to a place weve never gone in our game weve got 10 teams, and were going into our fourth season. Across the board, its talk about optimism and growth and expansion higher salaries, more opportunities. In the middle of our down period, it was talk about, Lets make sure we dont lose another team because the whole league will fold.
Theres none of that talk now. That far outweighs having an eagle at your opening game.
Scotsman Tom Sermanni was also at that 2001 opener as an assistant coach for the Bay Area CyberRays. After stints coaching the national teams of Australia and the USA, hes the head coach of the leagues 10th team, the Orlando Pride.
(The 2001 game) was an amazing occasion, amazing buildup, Sermanni said in a league conference call. The difference between that and our current league is that our league has been started much more conservatively, which gives us a firm foundation.
The NWSL still has plenty of progress to make. Games are on YouTube, with productions of wildly variable quality, but rarely on television. Salaries for players outside the US or Canadian national teams have inched upward over four years to a range from $7,200 to $39,700.
The leagues shoestring budgets show up in the strangest ways. Saturday night, FC Kansas City put out a picture of the teams 2015 championship rings. NWSL was misspelled.
While the US womens team argues over win bonuses and an as-yet-undefined equal pay, NWSL players just outside the national team pool scrounge to make a living wage, usually needing a host family and maybe a second job. The Memorandum of Understanding at the centerpiece of the teams dispute with US Soccer all but assures that US national players will be paid more than others for league play on top of their national team salaries.
And the agreement has other limitations that have calcified the womens national team pool, even as non-national team players routinely displace their more famous counterparts for league awards. The Spirits Crystal Dunn, in the national team pool but omitted from the World Cup roster, took MVP honors in 2015. Portlands Michelle Betos was named the leagues top goalkeeper ahead of the players who made the rosters for the USA and Canada. In 2014, household names such as Hope Solo and Carli Lloyd were named to the NWSLs second XI.
But such details are lost in the equal pay argument. For better but much more often for worse, much of the U.S. mainstream media treats soccer especially womens soccer as something that happens once or twice every four years. The equal pay mantra gets traction. The need to build something sustainable between World Cups has not.
Still, the quality of play is sound, even if the NWSL cant afford to buy up most of the worlds stars the way the WUSA did in the days before European womens leagues could pay decent wages. Gabarra smiled Saturday night in comparing the results from 2001 to 2016 in each case, a messy 1-0 win for the home team. But the goal was better this time instead of a soft penalty kick, well-traveled veteran Joanna Lohman opened the seasons scoring with a bicycle kick off Dunns deflected cross.
There was good stuff, but a little bit of panic at times, Gabarra said. Its just the frantic nature of the first game.
And they can take heart from the growth of Major League Soccer, the mens league that was paying developmental players a paltry $11,700 salary just 10 years ago. Today, even as reserve player makes at least $51,500.
With low pay and tough games dominated by wily veterans, the NWSL is a league in which veterans prey on the young. And yet, the opportunity isnt lost on players like Cali Farquharson, who made her pro debut Saturday for the Spirit.
Im still shaking, she said through nervous laughter and tears. As a kid, you always dream about being a professional soccer player. And the day has finally arrived where I could step out on the field and say Im playing professionally.
The Spirit did line up one special guest to mark the occasion of its fourth season opener. Briana Scurry, the winning goalkeeper in the 1999 Womens World Cup and two Olympic finals, spoke briefly to the fans before kickoff.
Scurry played in the two previous pro leagues. The occasion of the fourth season was not lost on here. All of you are now part of history, she said.
And they hope to be a part of the future as well.
Math ruins everything. Take Batman, for example. Watching Christian Bale angrily demand the location of the drugs, Rachel, and the trigger is great, but if the police ever actually caught him, he’d be screwed to the tune of 1,003 years behind bars, plus 29 life sentences for his contributions to society. At this rate, the Gotham PD will probably just launch Ben Affleck’s Batman at the moon if they ever manage to cuff him.
And it’s not just Batman. There are countless facets of pop culture that have their joy forcefully ripped from them whenever they face the harsh light of arithmetic. And on that note, let’s dive into some of them!
Jack Bauer Killed 309 People In Nine-ish Days
Jack Bauer is a man who doesn’t take any shit from anybody. He’s a shoot-first, ask-questions-while-simultaneously-ripping-off-fingernails kind of guy. And despite some morally dubious decisions, he’s always had America’s best interests at heart. So what if Bauer has to pop a couple terrorists or electrocute a few extremists’ genitals? He does it for the USA. Got a problem, LIBERALS?
But just how lethal is Bauer? We’d probably estimate “More than the average shark, but less than the average Sharknado,” but that’s hardly scientific. Thankfully, a few obsessive fans watched the entirety of 24 while wildly scribbling each kill into their murder journals until we assume those journals were worn to dust.
Over the course of eight days, plus the two hours of 24: Redemption and the half-day of Live Another Day, Jack Bauer kills 309 people. 309. That rounds out to 1.5 guys an hour, for a whopping 36 guys a day. It’s not evenly spread, either; Bauer started the first day only killing ten guys, but really took the gloves off during Day Six, with 52 individual murders. By contrast, the Korean War killed about 31 Americans soldiers a day. On some days, that was Bauer’s quota before he let himself take lunch.
What’s even more impressive is how over 70 percent of Bauer’s kills involve a gun, and typically a handgun at that. American soldiers, trained to use highly accurate automatic rifles, tend to fire 250,000 rounds for every dead insurgent. But Jack runs around with a pistol popping off heads with little remorse and even less wasted ammo. Am I saying that the next 24 series should involve an attempt to clone Jack Bauer for the creation of an army of bullet-saving investments? Maybe. Am I saying that Fox should check out the piece of fanfiction sitting on my desk right now? I’ll leave that one up to you.
And to think he killed all those men without taking a shit even once. Hopefully, some super fan will measure exactly how many pounds Bauer’s shame-riddled end-of-day dumps must weigh. For science, of course.
Charlie Brown Sucks At Baseball — No, Seriously, He’s REALLY Bad
While obviously not blessed with the most athletic of figures (how big is that goddamn head?), Charlie Brown makes up for his shortcomings with a positive attitude. Sadly, optimism doesn’t mean shit if you have the motor skills of a drunken toddler. For example, as far as anybody can tell, he’s never managed to successfully kick a football.
And it’s not just football that Charlie Brown sucks at; he’s also a godawful baseball player. In the original Peanuts comics from the 1950s and ’60s, Charlie’s team loses more baseball games than, like, a really bad baseball team, probably. Baseball still happens, right? Charlie’s team squeaks out a few wins, though, so how bad could he be? After all, who’s really keeping track?
Well, thanks to Larry Granillo’s impressive amounts of dedication and spare time, we know the exact record of Charlie’s shitty little team. Adding up all games from the comics, Charlie’s regular season record comes out to a soul-crushing 9-85. If you fail at something 91 percent of the time, you should probably switch hobbies to drafting health care bills or making DC Comics movies or something. And they’re not particularly close games, either. Charlie Brown’s 1961 season started out with a 0-123 losing effort. That’s not just a loss; that’s a slash-and-burn campaign on the self-esteem of Charlie’s whole class. Logically, that should have been followed by Linus setting the dugout on fire in a blind rage.
And because Charles Schultz was apparently secretly building to a murder-suicide final panel of Peanuts, Brown’s team still inexplicably managed to qualify for the league championships on three separate occasions, only to fail spectacularly each time. In his final championship appearance, all Charlie had to do to win the game was get through the final inning without letting the other team score. But of course Chuck fails at that, too. Thankfully, we never got to see the aftermath of this in It Was 40 Years Ago So Get Over It, Charlie Brown!.
James Bond Is An Actual Alcoholic
A big part of James Bond’s appeal is his penchant for excess. Bond doesn’t want to just have sex with safe women; the whole world is his Tinder, and he’s been swiping right since 1953. He doesn’t just shoot villains, but blows them up like a balloon until they fly away and pop like it’s the end of the world’s saddest and most racially questionable birthday party. But even more than perpetual shootin’ and fuckin’ (which, coincidentally is the title of Daniel Craig’s next 007 outing), Bond’s favorite vice is drinking. Bond treats every minute like it’s midnight on New Year’s Eve, and at this point, his liver must look like a leather wallet that’s been left out in the rain.
In an effort to figure out how this fictional world’s supply of vodka was doing, three concerned UK physicians decided to calculate just how much alcohol Bond was ingesting in the books. The answer, like a shirtless Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again, was a whole lot less sexy than everybody had hoped.
After reading through all 14 of Ian Fleming’s novels, recording each drink that passes Bond’s full, manly lips, the researchers determined that Bond’s weekly alcohol intake was four times the advisable maximum consumption. That’s just at the high end, too. Most doctors recommend sticking to about 14 units of alcohol per week, or about six pints of beer. Bond, however, shakes-not-stirs his way through 92 units a week. That’s the equivalent of almost 40 pints of beer, or a full 92 shots of liquor. It’s a wonder that he’s able to find time between urinal visits to shut down Moonrakers or wrestle ninjas.
And although, yes, that sort of intake means Bond would likely be the best part of your bachelor party, it also means he was at considerable risk of developing the darkest of alcohol-related conditions: impotence. How will all of those evil henchwomen go on when they find out that Bond’s Walther PPK is a little less GoldenEye and little more Spectre?
Bob’s Burgers Is Failing Hard … Like, “Surviving On Food Stamps” Hard
It’s no secret that Bob’s Burgers isn’t exactly thriving. There are only ever two or three customers in the restaurant at a time, and Bob keeps overhead costs low by semi-illegally turning his children into underage burger slaves. Of course, the show intentionally never digs too deeply into the Belchers’ finances. Comedy becomes a little less, well, comedic, if you counter every punchline with a tearful monologue about how you can’t afford to feed your kids.
A few fans decided to dig into the numbers behind the Belcher family’s affairs, though, because only the president of America should be allowed to conceal their earnings. According to one study, Bob’s Burgers LLC is probably bringing in a little less than $70,000 a year, while only actually taking home about $43,000 in true annual profit. Given that the average cost for an apartment like the Belcher’s runs at about $20,000 a year, the Belchers are left with a paltry $23,000 (before taxes). And that, according to the state of New Jersey, puts the Belchers at about 50 percent less than the maximum to receive food stamps. It’s got to be pretty humiliating for the inventor of the Poutine on the Ritz Burger to realize that he can’t even afford his own food.
So yeah, if we ever see an episode in which Teddy disappears from his usual spot at the counter and Gene starts raving about how great the new secret burger ingredients taste, just know that Bob did it for his family.
The Town Of Springfield Will Probably All Die Of Lung Cancer
We’ve already established that residents of The Simpsons‘ Springfield may be trapped in a horrifying extradimensional existence wherein each character’s duplicate iterations are all doomed to die insane deaths as the Universe corrects itself. C’est la vie, you know? But now we know that even if the original iterations of those characters manage to survive the werewolves, the inside-out turning fog, Groundskeeper Willie’s sentient hair, nukes, or the rise of the dolphins, they’re all going to die of lung cancer anyway.
According to a 2009 study, there are, on average, at least two characters smoking in any given episode of The Simpsons. In 400 reviewed episodes, there were 795 unique instances of characters riding the nicotine dragon. Around the 2002-2004 era of the show, Springfieldians were averaging some five smoking characters per episode. And while the show typically only focuses on a few characters at a time, Springfield only has an estimated 60,000 residents, which means the percentage of smokers in the town must be incredibly high. Writers presumably drew the line at the episode in which Apu personally lit the cigarettes of a dozen fifth-graders that wandered into his store, preferring instead to leave it implied.
Despite American adult smokers only making up 15 percent of the population, lung cancer accounts for some 27 percent of deaths every year. Given Springfield’s impressively high smoking rate, it’s not difficult to imagine that they’d be dying even more frequently. If you don’t see him for a few episodes, it’s probably because Krusty the Clown is struggling to recover from his pulmonary lobectomy.
But it’s not like any of the characters are particularly worried about it, either. You’d think somebody might comment on how all the smoking could literally create a tobacco-fueled apocalypse, but smoking was only portrayed negatively about a third of the time in the show. And the characters who would have opposed smoking? Statistically, they probably smoked themselves into an early grave, too.
Millions Are Dead In Westeros
Every few minutes or so, Game Of Thrones will begrudgingly cut away from an exposed female breast to allow another character to remind the audience that winter is indeed coming. And they should, as Westeros’ winters last for a long time. Not just, like, an exceptionally chilly four or five months, but potentially years and years. That means that the Starks will have plenty of time to get bored with sledding.
Alright, so that doesn’t sound great for a civilization that hasn’t developed centralized heating or Taco Bell fire sauce, but how bad could it really be? After all, they’ve still got dragon flames and the naked warmth of about a billion willing handmaidens. Well, firstly, it’s important to note that the naked and/or de-limbed characters we see onscreen only make up a tiny fraction of the country’s total population. According to George R.R. Martin’s official research assistant, Elio Garcia, there are some 40 million people living in Westeros. Over the course of six seasons, we’ve been roughly introduced to the entire population of Rhode Island, but 40 million is somewhere between Canada and Spain.
Given that figure, we can easily extrapolate that millions of them are going to die from starvation. Because that’s exactly what happened when medieval Europe had a few crappy harvests. Not 14 years of brutal winter, mind you — just a few rainy summers and extra-cold winters, all of which missed the invention of the space heater by about 600 years.
The Great Famine, as it’s now known, hit medieval Europe in 1315. After a period called the Medieval Warm Period, Europe had seven years or so of truly mediocre weather. Just imagine how vindicated the medieval climate change deniers must have felt once Europe stopped being so hot and instead collapsed under incessant rain and frigid cold. Let’s see Sir Bill Nye explain that one away.
It got so bad that peasants began to eat everything they could find, from grass to bark to freaking each other. And that is the ultimate fate of Westeros. There will be no triumphant planting of newly royal ass on the Iron Throne. The final scene of the series finale will just be Daenerys chewing on Tyrion’s legs so she doesn’t starve. Winter is delicious.
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Ten miles south of downtown Atlanta, in an anonymous business center overlooking the airport, sits the headquarters of what, on paper, is a hedge-fund powerhouse.
The numbers coming out of the part-time office at One Hartsfield Centre are remarkable: annual returns of 13 percent, 24 percent, even 91 percent since 2013.
Clients arent quite sure how its done. And Joseph A. Meyer Jr., the man behind the obscure hedge fund, Arjun LP, is keeping his cards close. He says only that he employs a computerized system of his own design but invests most of his clients money in safe Treasury bonds.
Meyer is so confident in his approach that he offers an extraordinary guarantee: With Arjun, you will never lose money. His price of admission is steep, however. Investors must hand over their cash for a decade. If they exit early, Meyer keeps half the principal.
Ive got a spreadsheet that did the calculations, Meyer, 49, says of his system. And then I just got coders to code it, so that the computers coming up with it, cause I cant, I couldnt, manually do something like that.
A lot of things about Arjun might seem peculiar. Since 2013, for instance, it has employed no fewer than three different auditing firms. Brian Kemp, Georgias secretary of state, says his securities division has discovered multiple irregularities involving Arjun and its parent company, Statim Holdings Inc.
Based on these irregularities, the divisions enforcement personnel immediately launched a formal investigation into potential violations of the Georgia Securities Act, Kemp said in a statement to Bloomberg on July 11. The investigation is ongoing at this time.
Meyers legal counsel, Parth Munshi, says its all a misunderstanding, in particular because Statim believed it wasnt required to submit to a surprise audit. He says Statim has retained a firm to conduct one.
Near the Top
Arjun might never have gained much attention at all except for one thing: The numbers Meyer has been reporting have placed him, quite improbably, near the top of the hedge-fund game. In many ways, hes a monument to the golden age of hedge funds. For folks hoping to beat the markets, investing in one of these private pools of money is a tantalizing prospect.
Its also one that can take a bit of faith. David Recknagel, a sales executive in Detroit, met Meyer when the money manager was doing consulting work. Recknagel says he invested in Arjun after losing confidence in big banks and money-management companies. He concedes hes not sure how Meyer does what he does.
I understand it in general, but I probably dont understand it completely, Recknagel says.
Meyers numbers certainly are enticing. Relying on data reported to Bloomberg LP, Bloomberg News ranked Arjun eighth in 2015 among hedge funds with between $250 million and $1 billion in assets. BarclayHedge, which also tracks hedge funds, has bestowed no fewer than 17 awards on Arjun, according to Meyers website. Arjun was named one of five top global macro funds of 2015 in HedgePos Investors Choice Awards.
Behind Meyers figures is a puzzle: In January 2015, BarclayHedge data showed Arjuns main investment class had $115 million under management. A year later, data compiled by Bloomberg showed the total was $338 million. This past March, in a filing with the state of Georgia, Statim said Arjun managed $39 million in all. Funds with more than $100 million must file similar information with the Securities and Exchange Commission. As of July 25, no such filing appeared on the SECs website.
Ty Trippet, a spokesman for Bloomberg LP, said of the companys ranking methodology: Bloombergs hedge-fund rankings are based on a combination of Bloomberg data, information from the hedge fund, investors and other sources.
Sol Waksman, president of BarclayHedge, pointed to a BarclayHedge disclosure that says performance and valuation information has been supplied by the funds or their agents and although believed to be reliable, has not been independently verified and cannot be guaranteed. Ryan Kalish, co-founder of HedgePo, now known as Allocator, declined to comment.
Asked during an April interview to reconcile the numbers, Meyer said that Bloombergs $338 million figure was right and that it included money from a family account as well as from outside investors. In an interview this month, Munshi and Meyer both said the company doesnt provide figures on the firms asset management to anyone.
Regulators require hedge funds to give investors proof that their assets exist, either by contracting an outside firm to conduct a surprise audit or by having an independent accountant send them audited financial statements. Statim does neither.
Custody of Assets
Asked why in a July 12 phone interview, Munshi said the firm mistakenly believed it didnt have possession, or custody, of the assets. In a later interview, he said the firm indeed had custody but thought it could sidestep the rules because of the method and the way that we had custody through required custodians.
Sitting in his modest office, Meyer hardly comes across as a hedge-fund highflier. A graduate of Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, with a business degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he said he started his career as a consultant and analyst, first at First Union Corp. and later Andersen Consulting. He says he started Statim in 1993 to manage money for relatives. Looking to expand, he opened Arjun in 2007.
Meyer says his secret sauce is the proprietary program running on his computer that automatically sends orders to Arjuns prime broker. He says he tweaks his program every 16 months or so.
All it does is look at the last trade and calculate trades that would be equivalent of, What if this security increases 50 percent in value in the next three seconds, Meyer says of his program.
Jeans and Beer
Jeff Roberts, who runs a real-estate appraisal company in Asheville, North Carolina, says he met Meyer in 1989, while the two were at First Union. They became friends after Meyer, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, turned up one day in a Ford pickup to give Roberts a lift. A 12-pack of Budweiser rested on the front seat. Roberts says hes invested several hundred thousand dollars and Meyer has been great.
How many hedge-fund managers can you get to call you back? The guy thats actually the investment officer or, you know, chairing the fund? It just doesnt happen,” Roberts says.
Roberts and Recknagel say theyve also enjoyed a Statim perk: Meyer extends inexpensive short-term loans against their investments. Recknagel says hes used the money to invest even more with Meyer. He says he also has a Statim corporate American Express card.
Perks aside, both men say they get scant information about Arjun beyond sporadic investor letters, usually written by Meyers wife, Nija. One reviewing Arjuns 2015 performance said the main share class posted a gain of almost 24 percent that year, when volatility on an intra-day basis was historical.
Since Statim doesnt send audited financial statements to its investors, theyll have to take Meyers word for it.
It’s been four days since my firsttrip to the gym since the start of the new year and considering the aches and soreness I’m somehow reminded of with every letter I type, I feel like I should take the opportunity to say what I should have said a long time ago: I’m sorry.
I know I told you this winter would be different — that this would be the year I stopped becoming a seasonal clich — but I’m not usually the most trustworthy source. You should know that better than anyone else. You probably should have seen this coming.
My overly principled parents taught me simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough to absolve yourself.
If you want to truly apologize, you have to be very clear about what you’re sorry for (in my experience, this is so it’s easier for the scorned party to come up with a reason he or shedoesn’t think you’re really sorry because everybody knows apologies are more fun when there’s groveling involved).
I know how temperamental you can be, Body, so I took some time to jot down some of the specific incidents that inspired this particular mea culpa.
1. I’m sorry I thought drinking an entire bottle of whiskey during the course of Winter Storm Jonas was somehow a better way to “keep warm” than turning the heat in my apartment up a couple degrees.
2. I’m sorry I thought, “Well, I’ve already pooped twice today,” was an appropriate excuse for not going to the gym.
3. I’m sorry I consider wearing heavy layers on a crowded subway and sweating heavily just as effective as working out.
4. I’m sorry I kept “winter” as an excuse to never leave my apartment every weekend, even though it was basically spring until a week ago.
5. I’m sorry so much of that time wasspent repeatedly watching “13 Going on 30.”
6. I’m sorry for using “wind chill” as an excuse for taking an Uber fewer than 10 blocks.
7. I’m sorry 43 degrees Fahrenheit is the temperature I use to decide whether or not I amgoing to have food delivered.
8. I’m sorry I thought eating like Buddy the Elf was a good idea.
9. I’m sorry so many bars have fireplaces and my apartment doesn’t.
10. I’m sorry I thought that scarf would look good. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.
11. I’m sorry I have to drink beer whenever there’s football on. That’s just something men do.
12. I’m sorry I haven’t bought anything for my chapped lips. That’s just not something men do.
13. I’m sorry about what I did to that 24-pack of Ferrero Rocher in a single sitting a couple of days after Christmas.
14. I’m sorry I have a large cup of hot chocolate before going to bed every night.
15. I’m sorry I can’t have hot chocolate without adding peppermint schnapps. What do you want me to do?
16. I’m sorry I tried the mozzarella sticks at McDonald’s.
17. I’m sorry about every single thing that’s going to enter my stomach during the Super Bowl this Sunday.
With that being said, I hope you can forgive me (or, at least, bear with me until the summer, when I’ll finally pledge to change things but ultimately fail to follow through). We’re in this together.
It’s summertime and the livin’ is easy. Well, for those of you who don’t spend your summer
1. Make A DIY Hair Mask
You don’t need to get all boujee and run up a pricey tab at a hair salon for a blowout before school. For a more natural ‘do people will still envy, make a quick hair mask you can use about once a week for salon-level results. If you don’t have these already, just run to Whole Foods and grab egg whites, almond milk, and coconut oil. Mix 3 tablespoons of egg whites, 4 tablespoons of almond milk, and 2 tablespoons of coconut oil together before applying to your hair. Leave it on for like, at least a half hour before rinsing and washing as normal. You’ll have instantly repaired strong, shiny locks just in time for school if you keep this up. Plus, this mask is better than others containing mayo, just eggs, and other shit that literally smells worse than NYC on garbage day.
2. Start Using Charcoal On Your Face
I know, at first it sounds totally weird, but trust me. I’m not saying to grab your dad’s charcoal from the grill, I’m thinking more like run to Target and get a $10 face mask like the L’Oréal Paris Detox & Brighten Pure-Clay Mask. I had my doubts prior to using this because my skin is so sensitive that I break out just by looking at the wrong thing, but it’s now my new obsession. Thanks to
3. Alternate Your Toothpaste With Hydrogen Peroxide And Baking Soda
Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of
4. Put Oil Or Vaseline On Your Eyelashes Before Bed
I swear this is a quicker, more natural-looking way to getting thicker, longer lashes without having to get extensions or wear falsies. Unless they seriously look natural, people can tell that shit is fake, okay? (@RachelLindsay) And that shit is just not cute. It looks like you were caught playing with your mom’s makeup again. So you don’t look like that try-hard, simply use a Q-tip or an old, clean (fucking duh) mascara brush to apply Vaseline or a combo of olive oil and castor oil before bed. In the morning, wash your face as normal. The jelly and oil both have nutrients that encourage fast growth and strengthen your hair follicles for flirty lashes without any mascara.
^^^PLS don’t let this be you.
5. Use A Gradual Self-Tanner For A Touch-Up
I’ll assume you got somewhat of a tan at some point over the past 3 months. If you didn’t, I honestly just feel bad for you, but it’s fine. We can fix this because you absolutely cannot be the palest one in your group come the first day of school. Use your fave gradual self-tanner for the next couple of weeks starting now, or use St. Tropez One Night Only Wash Off Face & Body Lotion for a golden tan that lasts for up to 24 hours. It’s perf for a last-minute touch-up or light glow base, and works if you aren’t looking for commitment. This sounds painfully too familiar…
6. Swear Off Tequila Sunrises, Pasta, And Do Some Sort Of Exercise
Alright, so you didn’t lose the 3 pounds you wanted to in June (lol, hi) and you didn’t get the 6-pack you wanted (hello, it’s me again), but since swearing off alcohol and late-night drunchies is basically cutting off your life source, it’s not going to fucking happen. However, you can (temporarily) give them up for like, two weeks, just so you look skinny for school pics. Drink water from now on like it’s the last thing keeping you alive at this point (and maybe it is). Skip the soda, beer, and cranberry juice cocktail. Stick with your usual vodka soda and when you start craving cheese fries,
From Kim Vilforts remarkable show of mental strenth to Francesco Toldos psychological war on penalty takers half a dozen sensational displays
1) Jean-Franois Domergue (France v Portugal, 1984)
Despite memorable efforts by Basile Boli and Zinedine Zidane, Manuel Amoros is the perpetrator of the greatest head-butt in the history of Les Bleus. Because when Amoros reacted to being felled by Denmarks Jesper Olsen in Frances opening group game at Euro 84 by trying to hurl a ball at the winger and then sticking a loaf on him, he copped a suspension that led to Jean-Franois Domergues first international start. Domergue was respected domestically his dynamism from left-back was one of the few highlights of Lyons season in 1983 and convinced Toulouse to sign him when Lyon were relegated but the extent of his international action prior to Euro 84 consisted of one half in a pre-tournament friendly against West Germany. But he came on as a substitute for Yvon Le Roux against Denmark and, following Amoross red card, kept his place for the remainder of the tournament. In the semi-final against Portugal he made an indelible impact on the European Championship, illuminating a classic match with the highlight of his career.
Michel Platini is remembered as the outstanding individual of Euro 84 and rightly so, for he was magnificent. And Domergue played upon that fact to make his own mark. When France were awarded a free-kick at the edge of the area in the 24th minute of the semi-final, the Portuguese goalkeeper, Bento, along with the entire watching world, expected Platini to unleash a shot. Frances captain had already scored seven goals in the tournament and could do almost anything he wanted from free-kicks. But I saw a little opening and asked Michel if I could hit it and he said: OK, go on, explained Domergue afterwards, accounting for the fact that he stepped up and walloped the free-kick into the top corner with the outside of his left foot, barely bringing a movement from the stunned Bento. France created many chances to extend their lead after that, with Domergue hurtling down the left with thrilling regularity, but Portugal drew level through Jordo in the 74th minute and then took the lead early in extra time, thanks to a volley by the same player. It was as if our whole world was falling in but we sort of said to each other: if were going to do anything, now is the time to do it and I think everyone just went for it, Domergue said.
Six minutes from full time, he mounted yet another raid down the left and pinged the ball into Le Roux near the Portuguese penalty spot. Le Rouxs shot was blocked and the ball rolled to Platini, who collapsed under a challenge by a defender. Before anyone could appeal for a penalty, Domergue strode forth and lashed the breaking ball past the outrushing Bento and into the roof of the net. Platini, inevitably, scored the winner in the 119th minute. Domergue never scored again for his country and, indeed, finished his career with only nine caps. But hell always have Portugal. PD
2) Ivo Viktor (Czechoslovakia v West Germany, 1976)
There were only four matches at Euro 76 but every one was a belter and we may, at various points over the next few weeks, find ourselves pining for a such a concentration of quality. West Germanys Dieter Mller gave a particularly condensed demonstration of excellence, coming off the bench to make his international debut in the 74th minute of West Germanys semi-final against Yugoslavia and then scoring with his first touch before adding two more goals to crown a 4-2 win. Jaroslav Pollak crammed so much brilliance into the other semi-final, Czechoslovakias 3-1 win over Holland, that he was named in the team of the tournament, despite only gracing it for 60 minutes. His exhibition reached an abrupt end when he was sent off a brutal foul on Johan Neeskens (who would later be sent off for an even more violent tackle as some Dutchmen apparently decided to go down with an almighty kicking spree, an attitude Tottenham Hotspur would invoke many years later during a memorable outing to Stamford Bridge). But despite Pollaks midfield splendour and a superb defence marshaled by Anton Ondrus, Czechoslovakia would never have been crowned European champions if not for two magnificent performances by their goalkeeper, Ivo Viktor. After excelling against Holland, the 34-year-old Dukla Prague keeper was outstanding in the final against West Germany, who, as against Yugoslavia, recovered from two goals down but this time could not go on and win, largely because Viktor showed exceptional agility to turn away shots by Erich Beer, Rainer Bonhof and Bernd Hlzenbein. Without those saves Antonin Panenka would never have got to take his now legendary spot-kick and Viktor might only be remembered as the guy who, in 1970, was made to scurry backwards in fearful panic as Pel tried to lob him from beyond the halfway line. PD
3) Bernd Schuster (West Germany v Holland, 1980)
After gaining a measure of revenge for their defeat in the 1976 final by beating Czechoslovakia 1-0 in their opening group game four years later, West Germany made an inspiring change for their next match. Their manager, Jupp Derwall, plumped for a more adventurous approach, switching from a 4-4-2 to 4-3-3 and giving a start to Bernd Schuster against the Germans fiercest rivals, Holland. Klaus Allofs scored an excellent hat-trick in a 3-2 victory but most of the acclaim was reserved for Schuster, who was instrumental in each of his teams goals and in almost everything else they did well.
Schuster conducted his teams play with a thrilling range of passing and powerful bursts from midfield. The Dutch hardly got a touch in the first 20 minutes and it was no surprise when the Germans opened the scoring, Allofs converting the rebound after a ferocious Schuster shot crashed back off a post. The Dutch could not cope with West Germanys superior technique, speed and strength, particularly that of Schuster, who bestrode midfield with almost nonchalant imperiousness. Schuster created his sides second goal by winning possession in midfield and passing to Hansi Mller, who cut the ball back for Allofs. And he teed up the third by seizing the ball in the Dutch box, dashing past a defender and playing a reverse pass that seemed practically unfeasible at the speed he was running, and the angle he was at, presenting Allofs with a chance to make it 3-0. Holland fought back to 3-2 but West Germany won.
A yellow card was the only blemish on Schusters performance and Derwall decided to omit him from the last group game lest he be suspended for the final. Reintroduced to the starting lineup for that final, he pulled West Germanys strings again and led them to victory over Belgium. He was only 20 years old and seemingly destined to be one of the stars of international football for the next decade or more. But Schuster wasnt a man to bow to expectations, nor to authority or social conventions. He never played in another international tournament owing to a variety of fallings out, notably with Derwall. At 24, he retired from international football, saving his best for Barcelona and Real Madrid instead. PD
4) Henrik Larsen and Kim Vilfort (Denmark v Holland, 1992)
It was early February 2012, but it felt like mid-f*cking-July. I wasa displaced New Yorker in Florida, where the air felt suffocatingly thick and densely humid.
I had just moved to Florida from London for a job. It was supposed to be a temporary, fleeting move, but I had fallen in love (love always ruins your plans, doesn’t it?) with a bartender named Luna.*
The moment I laid eyes on Luna, I was addicted to our intense chemistry.Luna just had that energy,that palpable fun-loving charismathat made everyone around her feel good.Especially me.
The Portuguese mock the supercilious Spanish, the Macedonians pity Greek mens sexual prowess, and everyone has a go at the Belgians
Europe is the migrant crisis, the Greek crisis, the euro crisis. It is the CAP, Ecofin and Eurostat. It is Schengen suspended, anti-Europeans on the march, and the imminent threat of Brexit.
But it is also the Finns who snicker at overbearing Swedes (Whats the difference between the Swedes and the Finns? The Swedes have got nice neighbours); and the Portuguese, who mock Spanish arrogance (In a recent survey, 11 out of 10 Spaniards said they felt superior to the others).
There are the Irish, who joke about buttoned-up Brits (Whats the English definition of a thrill? Having an After Eight at 7.30); and the Poles, who have a go at the Germans for pretty much anything (German footballers are like German food: if theyre not imported from Poland theyre no good).
Making fun of our best enemies, said Romain Seignovert, who has just published a book on the jokes Europeans tell about their neighbours, is a great European tradition. We are a big, diverse community with a centuries-long common history of highs and lows, and our humour reflects that, he says.
As spectacular as this thing we call life is, itsalso infamous for throwing us curve balls when we least expect them.
But, at the end of the day, life is simply too short to let any of those obstacles get in the way of making time for what we truly want to cross off our bucket lists.
Your 20s can fly by like a plane at top speed, and unfortunately, youll never have the opportunity to rewind the clock.
Plus, once you meet your forever person, things will only speed up even faster,until you reach that next exciting phase of your life: tying the knot.
Needless to say, the time is now to do everythingyouve always dreamed of doing with your gal pals.
Here are 20 things you should check off your list before settling down.
1. Pack your bags, rent a car, and drive across the country. Take the best pictures along the way to make your trip uniquely memorable.
2. Hike the Grand Canyon, and stay in a cozy cabin right on the rim. Youll wake up to find a glorious view of the sunrise directly outside your window.
3. Celebrate Mardi Gras the right way, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
4. Go to Coachella in Indio, California, or jet off to Boom, Belgium to rage your face off at Tomorrowland.
5. Cross that top dream destination off your bucket list the one that you and your girlfriends have been to explore.
6. Take a wine or beer making class, and learn more about the art.
7. Live together. Whether you decide to move to a big city, or rent a house near your hometown, the time is now to live with your girl squad. Get whimsical decorating the interior, and throw a seriously lit housewarming bash to make it official.
8. Host a classy AF dinner party, just because. Bring on the wine, and keep it coming.
9. Sign up for a yoga, kickboxing, or soul cycle class together. Even if you end up being terrible at it, youll all leave withsome good laughs and awesome memories.
10. Complete a color run or marathon.
11. Block off as many Sundays as humanly possible for boozy brunch.
12. Crush your wingwomen duties like complete and utter girl bosses.
13. Establish your go-to spot in town, where all the bartenders know you, and your table.
14. Go to adult camp for the weekend. Club Getaway in Kent, Connecticut is a great way to escape the struggles of adulting, complete with water sports and a club along the water where you can drink the night away.
15. Solve a puzzle in 60 minutes to Escape The Room. Get competitive andbreak off into teams to see who can escape the room first. Losers have to buy the rest of you all drinks afterward.
16. Make a wine festival bucket list, and start checkingevents off ASAP.
17. Join a kickball flip cup league to play in after work, because #priorities.
18. Throw an epic Friendsgiving party every year. Get your DIYon for decorations, and cook a tasty turkey together. Everyone can be in charge of making their own side dish and a dessert.
19. Break out your dirndls, and sip some brews as you Prost (or cheers!) at Oktoberfest. It will truly make for an unparalleled, lit AF experience you wouldnt want to havewith anyone other than your squad.
20. Dress up and take a spontaneous weekend trip to Las Vegas. Hit up a rooftop pool party, and dance the night away at the club.
Over the weekend, I, Sgt. Olivia Betchson and my brother, Detective Amarbro (those are our real names), attended our first Governors Ball. These are our stories. *Dun dun*
Now, anyone whos ever read my writing (so like, my mom and the festival PR reps who check up on me to make sure I actually deliver what I promise) know that it may have been my first Gov Ball, but it was not my first rodeo. It was not even my first festival on Randalls Island. That being said, Gov Ball was a whole new beast. Perhaps because Im older
FOOD & DRINKS
What we liked: Shouts out to Titos and their lounge. Yall were the real MVPs of the weekend. ICYMI, Titos had a dope lounge right next to the Honda stage that was 21+ (the perfect place to escape my 17-year-old former campers who were at the festival *kills self because Im ancient*). The drinks were great. You could sit. You could watch the stage in a pseudo-VIP area. You could get a FREE MANICURE. It was lit, thanks to Jon and the Titos team.
Casa Bacard: Drinks in coconuts made Gov Ball feel classy and fun. Another fun area to escape the youths with a good space to hang out and eat (two very important activities).
Miller Lite Lounge: Another good lounge with beer and photo opps and shit.
What Was Meh: Don Julios activation was incredibly hard to findit was in an area that was literally called Best Kept Secret. Surprise, nobody knew where TF it wasnot even the people who worked at the festival. Once we found it, the area was actually very cool and we had some good palomas, but next time Im gonna need a detailed map with longitudinal coordinates or just like, dont put it in an area with a purposefully mysterious name that sounds made-up. Kthnx.
What We Disliked: I mean, I realize nobody eats at a festival but that was especially true at Gov Ball because THE LINES WERE TOO DAMN LONG. Kind of a bummer because it sounded like there would be good food, but only if you wanted to wait like, over an hour for it and miss every act you were trying to seeassuming they wouldnt have run out of whatever you wanted by the time you got there. Nobody goes to festivals for the food, myself included, but still.
Acts we liked:
ScHoolBoy Q: Bucket hats galore. Q (yes, we are on a one-initial basis) put on a solid performance that set the stage for Friday afternoon and evening. Very high-energy and I can never get tired of listening to the same hits from and . We love Schoolboy Q and have literally only great things to say, for now and forever until the end of time.
Marshmello: What an amazing set! Marshmello was, in our opinion, the best performer and performance of the weekend. His set was on point and engaging with the crowd. He played classic songs to get even the concertgoers who do not know his music engaged and interested, but at the same time able to put his on remix on the songs. Honestly we wish Marshmello had closed out the night instead of being in the middle of the evening which well get to later.
A$AP Ferg: Another fun set. I could see A$AP Ferg a solid like, two more times before the “Work Remix” starts to lose its effect. Actually, I’m not sure it ever will. TBD.
Flume: Flume was great as always. He was very intense and gave an energetic and upbeat show.
Acts That Were Meh:
Childish Gambino: Yes he played “3005”, but the rest of his set was slow and felt like a serenading. I know is mostly slow shit, but dude came on at 9:15pm. I was amped and ready to party. I did not want to be lulled asleep to the sounds of baby-making music and the song from (I know the name of the song, chill), which is what he did mostly. Literally, I was so mellowed out that I missed him hinting to the fact that his next Gambino album is going to be his last. Whoops.
Phoenix: I get WHY Phoenix would have headlined in terms of name recognition, I guess, but in terms of tempo I was not feeling it. They played a good set and they did their hit song twice, but IMO their sound is good for a mid-day break or to start the evening as a way to ease everybody into the festival. They make great music, but I was ready to get turnt, and…yeah. Phoenix and turnt do not really mesh. Wait, am I the problem?
MISCELLANEOUS THINGS WE LIKED
Good jobs on the bathrooms, organizers! I never had to wait like, more than two minutes and I think I only had to dip into my personal supply of toilet paper (#ProTip) ONCE. Which was honestly very impressive considering how many fucking people were there. We were v pleasantly surprised. There were also lots of places to sit (provided you are 21….suckaaaas!), which my old ass needed. It’s like they know me.
Waiting over 30 minutes to pick up our tickets because of Wifi issuesnever in my life have I experienced anything like that. Like, you are on an island, of course there is going to be bad wifi. Just print out a list and check IDsdont have people waiting for two hours to pick up their wristbands; thats insane.
The timing of the sets left a little to be desired. On the one hand, it was a small enough venue and easy to get from stage to stage. On the other hand, you had overlaps like Wu Tang Clan and Marshmello playing at the same time, and yet there was an hour in between sets before Childish Gambino/Phoenix with nobody on the main stages. Yah, other stages acts were playing other stages in the meantime, but I wish it was organized a little differently so my Saturday wasn’t one big Sophie’s Choice.